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Friends, I'm drained. I see the posts all over every social media channel. I have my own #metoo stories. I meet with a group of women each week and we happen to be talking about a woman's purpose and place in the world this week and next and the #metoo movement couldn't be ignored as it relates, so we talked about it there. I had phone conversations about it this week. It eased itself into dinner conversation.
It's pervasive, it's exhausting, and I have mixed feelings about it altogether. Women already know sexual harassment, aggression, and abuse are experiences that every woman everywhere deals with on an ongoing basis. We all know. We all understand. Every woman has stories and wherever those stories fall on the spectrum of no-lingering-impact catcalls to life-changing-impact rape or abuse has absolutely no relevance to their legitimacy of those stories or that experience. They are all valid.
If a woman chooses to participate and post a #metoo on social media, I pray that she feels heard, acknowledged and supported. I pray that as men, seeing the overwhelming number of women in your feed affected, that you begin to understand that this affects all women. Not just a select few. Women you see as "healthy". Women you see as "normal." Your wives. Your daughters. Every woman you've ever met lives within the confines of this issue. Even the ones who choose not to participate in social media hashtags. Maybe, especially them. There are very valid reasons not to participate, but that does not in any way mean they aren't affected. You can just assume that every woman you've ever met is affected in some way.
Trending hashtags, however, don't make actual change happen. That takes time, effort and intentionality on a personal level for every one of us. Not just activists. Here's what I hope happens. I hope the hashtag movement sparks conversations. Conversations where a husband asks his wife how she's been affected. And then she has the courage to tell him and he listens without judgment, thoughtfully considers how it's impacted his marriage, responds in love and support, and then adjusts his attitudes or behavior in whatever ways necessary. I hope it sparks conversations among educators about what they can do on a personal level to support students and call out lack of respect they see among students. I hope it sparks conversations in youth groups, on soccer fields, on business lunches and in boardrooms. I hope that we begin to listen, learn, and see ways that we can make our circle of influence safer for all people.
Awareness means nothing if it's not followed up by action. Women can't do it by ourselves. We can talk about it until we're blue in the face, but we can't make the change happen. Men, you are going to have to take actions. And it does start with you. Not with stronger sentences for those convicted of rape. Should that happen? Yes, absolutely. But, it needs to start with all the men out there who think this behavior is inappropriate and morally wrong...and I know there are a lot of you who feel that way. Clean up your circle of influence. Don't allow toxic talk, call out inappropriate behavior. In the gym. In the locker room. In the conference room. In your home. In your heart. Don't perpetuate objectification of women and don't frequent stores, media, bars or products where you see it happening. Vote with your thoughts, your actions, and your wallet. Make your choices intentional.
Women. You're not exempt from creating change. And I'm not either. As I've struggled with my response to this whole thing, I realize that I need to do a better job parenting my son around this issue. It's not the driving issue in my world. I don't think about it daily. Yes, it's affected me in really profound ways over the course of my life. But, it doesn't define who I am. I realize, though, I should maybe have parented some things differently earlier.
What can we do as mothers with sons? Here's a non-exhaustive list of the things that come to mind immediately.
Friends, this is a no-brainer list. It's prompted by the #metoo movement, but it's about living life as a healthy person. How many of you have heard that the goal in raising a child is that they become a healthy independent adult? It's not. The goal is that your kids become a healthy interdependant adult. We live in complex relationships and we need to raise children, boys and girls, who are healthy in the context of those relationships. Healthy in personal relationships, family relationships, social relationships and societal relationships.
It's a no-brainer list, but it's not easy and it's not going to happen by accident.
I challenge you to choose three things you can do this week to respond to the #metoo movement. If you're a woman and you've posted a #metoo post, great, you only have two more to go.
Here's what I'm doing in my home.
I need to do a better job teaching my 12-year-old about boundaries, consent, and permissions. So, we're going to have a conversation about it with some specific changes in our household. I need to respect his space more and his person more explicitly. For example, we tickle fight and have since he was young. He needs the roughhousing in a mom-only household. But, I need to respect, "no" and "stop" more completely. We'll have that conversation this week.
With the lack of fathering in my home, I need to be more intentional about pointing out when I see things that men do that I want my son to emulate. "That's what it means to be a man." needs to be said more often.
Talk consistently about what good character in action looks like. How can he respond to any given situation with good character in an active, not passive, role? I need to make it clear that acting on his values is expected. Reward him when he does. I'm going to start using this as my after-school car question. "How'd school go?" to get it started and "How did you act on your good character today?" will be my questions of choice.
Ok friends, those are my three. And I posted a #metoo post, so in typical overachiever fashion, I'm ahead of the game. Write down your three things. Share them with a spouse or friend. Hold each other accountable.
How will you actively respond to the #metoo movement?
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I came close to a breakdown this morning. The obvious reason is ridiculous. My cleaning lady comes today. Who has a breakdown over someone coming to clean for them? I have someone help me out for an hour every other week. It keeps me sane. Usually. It makes sure that no matter what else happens in my schedule, my toilets get cleaned and my floors get vacuumed and my house gets dusted on a regular basis. This two hours a month is a complete luxury for me, which I am so very grateful for.
Usually.
Rebecca coming makes sure that no matter what else happens in my schedule, my toilets get cleaned and my floors get vacuumed and my house gets dusted on a regular basis. This two hours a month is a complete luxury for me, which I am so very grateful for.
Except for this morning. She's only here for an hour. In order for her to do what I pay her to do, I have to have some things done in advance. For example, she can't vacuum the floor if we have stuff everywhere. I pay her to vacuum. She can--and is happy to--move stuff, but she can't do as good a job and I want her vacuuming, not picking up.
My house is a disaster right now. I have a pile of stuff in the living room that's been there since the Destination Imagination competition in March. And our hallway is full of stuff my son left there when he came home from camp in June. Everywhere else is just as big a mess. It drives me crazy. I worked upstairs in my parents' area last weekend because I didn't have time to clean up and I couldn't handle the visual chaos and constant reminder of what I wasn't getting done. I'm hoping I'm not the only one and someone out there can relate.
This week is Fall break and my son is home for a few days and we're not travelling. Perfect time to make some headway on cleaning up things like the hallway and the DI piles. Right after I get this podcast recorded, get my work caught up and make candy for a meeting tonight.
But, I forgot it was a Rebecca day. On top of my already crazy full schedule, I needed to get the place Rebecca-ready. I almost had a breakdown. The real problem right now is lack of margin. I'm operating way too close to the edge of handling everything. So, one thing--adding something into my full morning schedule--that wouldn't normally be a big deal instead makes me feel like losing it.
Overwhelm is a type of emotional paralysis where you feel as though you're unable to cope with or handle your circumstances. It may not be schedule driven like mine was this morning. It could be financial, relational, or physical.
Overwhelm is an epidemic in society today. The speed of change, amount of daily inputs we have to handle, the culture of overwork, chronic stress levels, cultural pressure to do it all, be it all and have it all, personal factors (like perfectionism), and social pressures (like an environment of comparison) all contribute to a vast number of people feeling overwhelmed.
Including me.
A year or two ago, I got tired of feeling that way, so I did what I tend to do when I get curious about something. I did some research. How are people talking about overwhelm? What can we do to combat it? Today, I had to pull out my results from the work I did then and use it. So, I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you.
There are two phases to feeling overwhelmed. One is an acute phase, an initial paralysis, a breakdown, a panicked. "I've had it, I've hit my breaking point" phase. The second is a chronic phase. This morning, I was in an acute phase. So, I pulled out my first aid tactics. I have twenty-five of them, so I'm not going to overwhelm you with all of them. Here are five that helped me today.
Part of what caused my anxiety this morning was too many things in my head. So, I sat down and got it all down on paper. Today, that looked like a to-do list for me. It might look like a list of all the things you're worried about. It might be a list of all the projects you need to manage. All the steps needed to do whatever you're trying to do. All the things you're afraid you'll forget. Everything running around in your brain, get it all out onto paper. Just the act of acknowledging the thoughts seem to help them back off the pressure. You can remember them, organize and evaluate them now that they're in black and white. And you have mental space cleared out for dealing with life.
The reality of my Thursdays is that they're my least stressful day. My most stressful days all happen Sunday -Wednesday, so Thursdays are usually a relief. But today, I had a handful of things that all had to happen in a three hour time span and the last minute clean up threw me into overwhelm. I needed to narrow my focus and just deal with the next right thing. Multi-tasking, no matter how good you think you are at it, isn't effective. I needed to do one thing, then move on to the next thing and only deal with the one that's next most important.
Progress always reduces overwhelm. It feeds momentum which then helps you make progress and in the way of cyclical things...it spirals in a beneficial way. So, the key to this first aid tactic is choosing something small. Choosing something small allows you to gain that momentum foothold faster. It doesn't really have to be related to what you're feeling overwhelmed about. You need an action starting point that will move you out of paralysis. For me, this morning, that was two quick texts to people I needed to get in touch with.
Music is a mood manipulator. One of the things that really had to get done today was this podcast. But, I was having trouble focusing, getting started and staying calm enough to deal with it. One thing that helps me focus when I write is using white noise. So, on went the headphones. I had an immediate physical response when I heard the wave and rain sounds. It's as if my whole body breathed a sigh of relief as the repetitive, calming noises washed over me. You can use music to boost your energy, relax, or help you focus. If you're on Spotify, you can find a few playlists I use to manipulate my mood and energy at michelleberkey: a few zen chill lists, with and without lyrics, happy happy mood and stronger are a few you'll find there.
If your overwhelm is schedule related, slash your to-do list short term. Consider what would get done if you were bedridden-sick for the next week. Do only that. For me this morning, I wanted to re-do an art piece I wasn't happy with yesterday. That was squarely on the nice-but-not-necessary list. When I started to get overwhelmed, that got taken off the table for today. Doing my laundry, some follow up emails, and some work and ministry things that I need to get done (but not immediately) also got removed from my schedule for now.
In review, the five first aid tactics I used today were Brain Dump, the Next Right Thing, Do Something, Use Tunes, and Radically Slash Your List.
These five suggestions won't get to the bottom of your overwhelm. They're intended to be first aid for the acute paralysis that can occur. Put them in your pocket and pull them out when needed.
Because inspiration and education are great, but they only result in transformation when you add action - and that's your job - here are a few action steps you can take today.
Good: Digitally, file this information away where you can get to it easily when you need it. File the email, bookmark the post or favourite the podcast episode.
Better: Make yourself an index card of these five tactics. Write them in your planner or a journal. Physically writing them down will help solidify them in your mind and will give you something physical to pull out when needed. I made myself a flip book of all my tactics that I could drop in my bag or keep in my desk or car. I haven't needed it for a long time (that's an indication of growth right there), but I pulled it out this morning.
Best: Begin to work on the underlying root cause of your overwhelm so you don't have to deal with the acute paralysis.
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Good: Ask yourself what experiences you're having that you need to stop minimizing.
Better: Stop minimizing those things. And stop making assumptions. Train an insatiable curiosity instead.
Best: Get together with a friend, talk about these ideas and hold each other accountable to make real changes in your life.
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Who knew donuts could be a lesson in personal growth? Of course, if you eat too many, they certainly can foster personal growth in ways you don't want! That kind of personal growth may or may not be happening with me right now. It's time to get back on the no sugar bandwagon again. But, I'm already off subject. So, let's bring it back on track.
I was at a conference last week in downtown Nashville. Story 2017. If you're a storyteller in any form: corporate, writer, artist, marketing...go sign up right now for next year because you don't want to miss it.
I was standing in line with a friend, getting her some free Muletown Coffee (we serve it at The Bridge Church, too, good stuff, y'all) when we saw boxes upon boxes of donuts up near the entrance. Donuts are my son's drug of choice, but I can take or leave them. Unless we're talking about Charlie's Donut Truck in Alys Beach, FL and then I fall squarely on the "take them" side. This particular morning, they were Dunkin' Donuts, bright yellow frosted and filled. In my world, that's three strikes against them. But, I'd skipped breakfast that morning because I had to get up at o'dark thirty to get to downtown in rush hour traffic. So, bright yellow Dunkin Donuts looked more appealing than normal and we decided to check them out.
These mounds and mounds of donuts for all the conference attendees were provided by Pinterest. And as we were handed a donut, we were told why. "Take your donut - your blank-faced emoji donut - and head inside where there are fixin's that you can use to create an emoji face on your donut. Post a picture, hashtag the conference and get a chance to win a pretty sweet $400 leather bag."
Now, remember, this is a conference of creatives. You could see the sleepy eyes light up as people were given the instructions. This took a Dunkin Donut all the way from "better than nothing" straight on up to "bomb-diggity!" And as we walked into the soaring lobby of the Schermerhorn, we were greeted by a huge spread of fun pieces to decorate these donuts with. Eyes, lips, accessories, chocolate to custom cut, frosting...super fun, right?
Well, it should have been. What should have happened is that I looked around in creative glee and began to play. It should have been play. Light-hearted and fun.
Instead, I tripped and fell headlong into comparison and competition. All of these other people messing with the abundance of emoji parts were surely way more creative, way cooler and way higher on the (newly discovered) donut emoji creation scale. It suddenly became more about my own insecurity and need to perform than about play and fun.
I will say this. At least I recognized it this time and I refused to let comparison be the king of that donut table. I made a quick emoji. I kept it simple. I worked at not worrying about how creative it was or how it stacked up against all the other donuts. I chose from the first pieces I saw, added some frosting bangs and I was done.
As I stepped back from the table and watched the others, I was glad that I'd not let comparison reign. This is progress for me. I realized what was happening in my head and intentionally didn't walk down that path. But, it did still ruin the fun. I'm looking forward to the day when I can approach a project table with others in a spirit of fun exploration instead of comparison.
It was a great idea, Pinterest. Kudos on the marketing joy. And thank you for the personal reminder of how easily comparison can ruin a beautiful morning. Theodore Roosevelt is often credited with saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” and I had a very vivid experience of his quote that morning.
I'm not sure if there was anything I could have done to salvage the fun of that experience, but I had so many other fun things happening that I wasn't too concerned. I realized that I typically walk into events like that with a comparison mindset. Do I belong? How do I measure up against everyone else there? This time, I didn't. I didn't really think about it until late the first day, but this time, I had walked in with a warm expectation of what I was about to receive. I was at peace, I was comfortable and I wasn't comparing at all. For someone always unsure of her place in the world, this was a profoundly different experience.
If you struggle with comparison and you do a search on how to stop, you'll find plenty of lists, plenty of actions to take.
But, no one seems to address the root issue. Comparison is the fruit of insecurity. Do the hard work of dealing with the insecurity and the comparisons will naturally fade away.
Good: Start to realize when you're making comparisons to others and how it impacts your thoughts and your life. Start to listen to your inner voices and get enough perspective on them that you can start to see how they shape your life.
Better: Work through a list of action steps. Here are some links to get you started: Becoming Minimalist, Zen Habits, Tiny Buddha, and another article on Tiny Buddha.
Best: Tackle your insecurities. Begin to ask yourself what your self image is based on. Begin to dig into where you find your identity. As your insecurities weaken, you'll begin to leave the comparisons behind.
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