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The What If Experience

Explore a new "What If..." question about life each week with some thoughts, some answers and some action steps. Share my journey of personal growth and living in possibility.
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Now displaying: Page 1
Feb 26, 2017

[EPISODE DOWNLOADS worksheet/phone lock screen]

You are braver than you think.

We're all braver than we think. Several weeks ago, I talked about everyday kinds of bravery on episode 17. Since then, I've been talking about mending broken things in our lives, which can require an awful lot of bravery. So, I thought I'd follow up with an episode or two about bravery and how we can do the hard things.

Bravery 101

First, let's talk about some bravery basics. Bravery is defined as courageous behavior or character. Vocabulary.com says it's the admirable quality of being able to confront frightening things.

It's not the absence of fear. It's not something reserved for the best among us. It's not something unattainable. It isn't something fixed, something you're born with that can't be changed.

Bravery is more like a muscle. My son bench-marked some fitness things a few weeks ago in boy scouts. He is not in the athletic crowd. He's in the I-prefer-to-sit-on-the-same-chair-and-play-video-games-for-days-on-end crowd. So, he said to me sheepishly, "Mom, I only did 13 sit ups in a minute. I think that's really bad." My answer to him was that it really didn't matter where he started...just that he did start.

Sit ups, push ups and the other things required by Eagle Scout merit badges...like 50 mile bike rides or 20 mile hikes...are not elite-skill-dependent. In other words, If you work at it, you improve. It's a given cause and effect. If you spend the time, you get stronger. It's not a matter of being good enough or not. It's only a matter of whether or not you're willing to do the work. Bravery is the same way. If you practice being brave, you will get braver. If you do the things you're afraid of, you'll be less afraid of them.

Bravery looks different for everyone. The things that you're afraid of are not necessarily the same things that require bravery for me. For example, how do you feel about public speaking? Public speaking is generally listed as the number one fear in the United States, rated scarier than death by most of those people. So, if you're afraid of public speaking, you're not alone. Most of the population shares your feelings. But, it doesn't bother me much. It doesn't require much bravery for me to get up in front of people and speak. But, there's a good chance that something you're not afraid of at all, I will be.

Bravery can also look very different to the same person on different days. I suffer from depression at times. For me, it's usually hormonal and it's generally a short term thing, from a few days to a week. I've learned that I just need to ride it out. I know intellectually that it will go away. But, still. in the midst of it, I feel like it will never end. Getting out of bed requires bravery. Speaking to anyone requires bravery. Facing my work day requires bravery. Not giving up requires bravery. Things that take minimal effort on a normal day require large doses of courage on those days. Even if your circumstances aren't like mine, we all go through times when it's hard to function at our best. These may be days, seasons or even years. These may be illnesses, sleeplessness or stress. Sometimes things that you usually or used to do easily, require bravery.

So, to recap, bravery is like a muscle, you can get braver. it looks different for me than it does for you and different for you than for your spouse, friend or relatives. And it may even look different to you on different days.

Getting Braver

What do we do about it? How can we get better at being brave? Here are a handful of things that will help.

A sidekick. A pal. A partner-in-crime. We need our friends! They encourage us when we're unsure. They cheer us when we're in the midst of the struggle and they provide a jolt of you-can-do-it Rosie power when we need it to be brave. With a wing-man, we feel stronger and braver than we do alone. Find yourself a stellar wing-man.

Start small. You don't start with a 20 mile hike if you want to succeed. You start with a walk in the park. Something that stretches you only a little until your muscles get the hang of it. You build strength incrementally, in small steps. Start with things that make you only a little uncomfortable. Small steps. Short time frames. Train yourself to tolerate uncertainty and nerve-wracking things in baby steps. Then, as your brave muscle gets stronger, try larger steps and bigger challenges.

Practice. I used to be terrified to speak in public. I would want to stay home from school every time I had to give a speech in High School. But, now, I enjoy it. What made the difference? For two years in college, three days a week, I had to present my ideas, projects and sell my solutions in front of a group of students and faculty. I got very comfortable on stage making presentations and accepting critique. When you do the things that frighten you on a regular basis, they become far less scary.

Choose to do it anyway. Bravery isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is simply doing it anyway. Fear has a valuable place in our lives, it's there to keep us safe. Which is great...unless it's allowed to make all your decisions. But, that's why you have a brain, to be able to overrule fear when necessary. Elizabeth Gilbert has an analogy in her book, "Big Magic" that talks about life as a car ride. Fear is allowed to come along, even invited along for the ride. And he gets a voice. But, when you need to be brave, thank fear for his input and tell him to get in the back seat and be quiet, because you're the one driving the car. His place is to speak when needed, but not be the one making decisions.

It's ok to be afraid. If you aren't afraid, you aren't growing. I believe the amount of growth and success in our lives is directly proportional to the amount of uncertainty we're able to tolerate. The people you think of as brave are not unafraid. They just make the choice to do it anyway. And then they choose to do it again. And again.

Episode Artwork

"Braver Than You Think" mixed media piece by Michelle Berkey. Prints available.

The art this week is about taking steps. The colors shift from light to dark and dark to light in steps. Sometimes those transitions are evenly spaced and smooth. Sometimes they're a bit bigger jumps. But they change step by step. If you take those small steps regularly, at some point you'll look back and see that you've gone from orange to black, something that's not possible in one jump. In incremental steps, you can be there before you know it.

Small Bravery Steps

Here are some micro steps you can take to flex your brave muscle. There are thousands of these you could do. If these aren't things that make you a bit uncomfortable, choose something that will. The idea is to choose something that will make you nervous, self-conscious, slightly afraid...not something that's terrifying.

  • Don't wear makeup for a day in public.
  • Give a stranger a flower.
  • Be the first to reach out to someone after you've had a conflict.
  • Wear sequins to the grocery store on a random Tuesday morning.
  • Initiate a conversation with someone you don't know.
  • Sit alone in silence for 15 minutes.
  • Go an hour...or a day...not concerned with what others think of you.
  • Make a suggestion in a group meeting.
  • Volunteer for something that will put you in a new situation.
  • Travel somewhere you've never been...by yourself.
  • Ask for help.
  • Choose to feel the emotions you have, not the ones you think you should have.
  • Cook something with an ingredient or method that's completely new to you.

What if you're braver than you think? What could you do? What could you accomplish? Who would you be?

 

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