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The What If Experience

Explore a new "What If..." question about life each week with some thoughts, some answers and some action steps. Share my journey of personal growth and living in possibility.
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Now displaying: Page 1
Oct 23, 2016

Life can be hard. I can't even begin to know or understand your pain. It would be silly of me to try, actually. Our pain can't be compared. though I do tend to believe that mine is less than many of yours. But, a large part of that's just because I know mine so well. Intimately. I live with it. It's familiar, like a broken in pair of running shoes that I wear every day to the gym. A daily companion. Your pain would seem big to me. Scary and new. More like a pair of stiletto pumps that's a size too small. I don't do heels very often any more. It would be painful and I'd have to learn how to walk in them again.

As I was prepping this episode to go live (there are a thousand little details between blog posts, downloads, art and audio!), we had a family emergency. I was working on the files when mom came downstairs and said she thought she had a detached retina and was heading to the emergency room. It wasn't a detached retina and we didn't know what it was for about 24 hours. It turned out to be a stroke of the optic nerve and by last night, her sight in that eye had started to return.

We don't know how much sight she'll regain, but we're so grateful that's what the problem was. It could have been so much worse. Brain tumor, cancer, what you think of when you normally hear the word stroke...it was none of these. But, that 24 hours of not knowing was hard. And since I had already been immersed in thinking about responding to hard stuff, not only was it easier for me to deal with, but I had this odd outside of myself perspective for how I was reacting to it. Had I slept more than an hour or so that night, it would have been easier - hint, sleep when you're going through hard stuff. Sleep when you can.

We all have pain points in our lives and we choose to walk through them with grace or...not. Part of our response to our own difficulties has something to do with our background and our personalities, I'm sure. And a huge factor in how we deal with them is whether or not we have a faith-based perspective, a belief in something larger than ourselves. But, aside from those things, here are three actions you can take to make life easier to deal with when it gets difficult.

Accept it for what it is.

It may not be fair, it may not be within your control and by definition, it won't be easy or pleasant. Sit with that for a moment. Let yourself feel it. Running away from the painful emotions doesn't eliminate them, it just bottles them up in a place that will eventually overflow. Allow yourself to feel the unfairness or disappointment or anger. Recognize those emotions and write or talk about how they feel in a safe place. In a healthy way. As many times as you need. Realize that there's a difference between whining and processing emotion. A difference between healthy expression and experience and unhealthy wallowing.

At the same time, accept that these are the cards life is dealing you right now and choose to channel the energy you might easily spend in unhealthy emotional reactions like whining, fighting or running into something more productive. Accept that life can be hard and it just happens to be hard for you at the moment.

Second, Learn from it.

There's not a difficult experience that I've been through that I haven't received good from in some way. No matter how painful, I've always been able to point to something I've learned or gained through the experience. I can't always find it or recognize it right away, but it's there. There has always been a gift of some kind wrapped within the pain.

Humility, patience and perseverance have been born in adversity in my life. Love, joy and empathy have grown much faster in hard times than in easy ones. When you're in a hard time, watch for the gifts. They may be small, quiet and easy to miss. Sometimes our experiences don't shout out their lessons for us. Set yourself to watching for them. Expecting them.

Third, Connect.

Being human can be hard. Being human in community makes the hard parts so much more do-able. We're made for community and hard times are a primary reason. In community we can care for and support each other. We can gain from the wisdom of those who've been through the trials we're dealing with. We can be reminded that we're not in control of all the things we think we are (Oh, how we like to imagine we're in control!).

Yes, community requires vulnerability, but that's cheap payment for what you receive in return. Our culture here in the United States is not particularly community oriented. We're taught to be strong, independent and that needing help is a sign of weakness. But no. Needing community is not weak, it is wise. Love is both expressed and perfected in community.

In the last few days of my mom's health scare, I'm reminded again how precious life and family are. I'm reminded to live the way you want to live NOW. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. I'm reminded to love your family NOW. There is no guarantee of tomorrow.

Also, she was able to have an X-ray of an old ankle injury that's been bothering her and had a brain scan that revealed a remarkably healthy brain for her age. I know that Alzheimer's and dementia are a fear of hers and this may set her (healthy) mind at ease.

So, there is the good, wrapped up in a hard few days.

Episode Artwork

What if you weren't so busy? What if Experience podcast
In this art piece you see both the darkness and the vibrancy and color of life. Even in the darkness, however there is color, pattern and beauty. And the bright vibrant colors are present in spite of the darkness. Is your eye drawn to the darkness? No, it's drawn to the vibrancy. The life in the midst of dark. It steals our attention and reminds us that it's possible to focus on the good in the midst of pain.

A friend of a friend was recently robbed at gunpoint in an intersection in Haiti. Multiple shots were fired into his car. Luckily, he and his driver only suffered minor injuries from broken glass. They were robbed by strangers and they were also tremendously cared for by strangers afterwards. What captured my attention was not the details of the incident. Instead, near the end of his recap, he says:

We, along with our kids exchanged tight, life-giving hugs. Tears and sobs as we embraced one another and life's paradox... A world filled with so much pain and suffering. And, the incredible love, joy, meaning and beauty that can and should be part being human.

Pain and suffering, love and joy. Life's paradox. Humanity.

Yes, it's hard. But at the same time, it's a miraculous, beautiful thing.

Treasure the hard times for the gifts they offer. And treasure the hard times for they make the good times that much more beautiful.

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